posted 01-30-2015 at 12:00 am

Don't worry, Logan won't be spending the whole damn chapter with that fucked up face.

So, I ended up getting 100% completion in Grand Theft Auto V...again. This is the second time I've done this to myself and it feels even more pointless this time. See, I love the GTA games. Played and beaten them all, 100% on each one. And I love GTA V...most of the time. But fuck, it has some problems that just makes me want to play the other games instead.

First of all, let's talk about 100% completion. When GTA tells you to get 100% completion, it actually means to do like, say, 60% completion. You don't HAVE to do everything. You just have to do all the missions, and do SOME of the shit in the game. You only have to do like, half of the collectibles, for example. Or half of the stunt jumps. You don't even have to do all or even most of the stranger missions. That bothers me, a lot. On the one hand, thank GOD you don't have to do all that shit. Even after getting 100% completion, I still have 27 peyote plants to collect, 25 stunt jumps to complete, 8 buildings to fly between, all of the special taxi fare missions, 30 pieces of nuclear waste to collect, 10 epsilon tracts to locate and a bunch of submarine parts to find. But what bothers me is that there is so much fucking useless time-wasting shit in this game. There is no reason this game needs TWELVE different fucking categories of collectibles for a total of NEARLY 400 INDIVIDUAL COLLECTIBLES. Half of these give you fucking NOTHING for doing them. You're lucky if you get an achievement and that's IT. At least the stupid time-killing bullshit in the older Grand Theft Autos gave you something. Do a whole bunch of annoying ambulance missions, and you get double health or infinite stamina or something like that. Something USEFUL. Or at least some money. You're constantly pressed for money in GTA V since everything's so expensive, until you beat the game and do some stock market shit so you'll have more money than you'd ever be able to spend across five playthroughs. There's so many questionable design choices over what has to be one of the best, tightly-made game worlds I've ever seen. I love the world of GTA V, but I hate the things you do in it.

Second, fuck, I miss GTA IV's writing. I might be the only one who cares about plot in GTA, but I usually love their stories. I love their characters, their settings, and there's usually some tight, well-done dialogue to motivate or at least get a laugh out of you. But in GTA V, the characters and story are secondary to the social commentary aspect. Everybody in this game has something to comment on. I saved a woman from being raped and eaten, and the first thing she does is start a conversation about how baby boomers ruined this generation. You beat the game, and Michael goes on a tangent about outsourcing and offshoring (I get the context, but come on). One character literally has the word "entitled" tattooed on his neck and won't stop going on about how everything's owed to him. Like, sure, there was social commentary in the other games too, but they never sacrificed characterization for it. GTA IV had some great characters with amazing moments that defined them. Even characters like Brucie were well fleshed out, especially in Ballad of Gay Tony. I want to like GTA V so much (especially after spending about 400 hours total on it), but god, sometimes it feels like it doesn't want me to like it. It just wants to waste my time and make me do more fucking unfun, boring tow truck mission while yelling to me about welfare and foreign policy.

That's enough complaining for today. SEE YOU ON WEDNESDAY.

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